Today I was entirely alone for the first time in four weeks. No nurses and doctors, no Tom, no caregiver except for my orange plastic bottles of prescription drugs.
I slept a lot. I felt more relaxed than I have in a month.
It is yet another dimension of realization about how much I take on from other people.
I’m always carrying some anxiety about how my actions or my negligence affect other people. I feel guilty every day over emails left unanswered, and I worry about what happened to every person I met in Syria 21 years ago.
Even when I was just out of brain surgery, when I should have been rejoicing to be alive, I was worrying about Tom, my family, my colleagues in Pakistan. Even when in the midst of nearly relentless pain this week, I was trying to help my US coworkers to wrap up a financial report, anxious to make sure the numbers all added up correctly.
This is not praiseworthy.
I am supposed to be recovering and relaxing, but instead I have been fretting.
Stress is no good for healing. I know this. I take deep breaths, I think of peaceful places, I try to savor my food.
It is easier when there is no one else here, because I don’t have to worry about how my condition and my demands affect them.
But still I feel lonely, whether people are around or not. The only time I don’t feel lonely is when I am in Tom’s arms.
At least he will be here tomorrow – and with him, my sister Ann, who has cared for me since I was born. Maybe they can help me recapture the infantile self that didn’t yet know how to worry.
Today’s penny is a 1994, for the year I was in Syria.
[Note: Although I have not been posting during my recuperation, I have been taking notes every day. Over the rest of this month, I hope to catch up on the missing posts, which will be published by the events of the date they capture.]
3 thoughts on “Alone again”
I’m very glad to see a post from you!
Don’t worry is a hopeless admonition. But you do need to let go of the things you can’t control. And you should think about the hundreds of people who love you and who are an energy source – and healing source – that surrounds you.
Robert and Jo
Your friends, all 20 zillion of us, are not fretting that you are not emailing or posting…we’re just happy you’re alive. Trust me on this. Much love, kbmh
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