Bumpy turf

There’s ridges on my head. An indent deep enough that the sides of it make two ridges, and a double-wide ridge just above my temple.

The indent is the leading end of the incision they made for the surgery. It’s maybe an inch or an inch and a half long.

The ridges on my temple bulge out maybe two inches, and they are further along the incision.

They serves a purpose.

The surface of the incision has healed smoothly. Although there is numbness along that line, normal when you cut through nerves, the skin is smooth.

The sutures finally dissolved after seven weeks – not the “one or two weeks” that the hospital discharge instructions said.

The indent Is not any more visible to the world than the rest of the incision. It’s hidden under my hair. The temple bumps aren’t something you would notice unless you look very closely.

bumpy head

Like an emotional scar, this bumpy turf has a deeper reach.

I can feel the rough spots even when my fingers aren’t touching them, and sometimes it’s achy. I always vaguely know that these patches are there.

It makes me feel like a Frankenstein. It makes me hesitant to say that my physical healing is complete.

Some days, having a lumpy head makes me wonder if I’ll ever be whole.

But once in awhile, like today, it helps me.

These uneven places remind me that this surgery was a very invasive and risky one. Surgeons cut open my skull and dissected my brain to save my life.

So I have to forgive me.

I have to forgive the days when I feel anxious, or I get tired after being up for just a few hours, or I don’t feel the same ambition as I did before. Today it was all of those. I looked at my task list and felt nauseous at the thought of doing all that stuff.

But there’s a reason for it. I’m not lazy and I’m not heading for a nursing home.

I’m just healing.

Today’s penny is a 2015, because what else could it be?