My body dragged me a few feet and then threw me in a heap on the couch. I felt groggy and nauseated even after 10 hours of sleep. I had a headache and couldn’t think. This went on for hours. “What is this!?” I said to Tom. “I was feeling so good! We had that … read more One too many
Month: December 2015
The same, but moreso
DECEMBER 20: One thing I’ve noticed about my recovery-era feelings and behaviors is that they are unquestionably genuine. I don’t have to wonder whether they are some psychodrama I’m re-enacting, or some manipulative behavior that my devious subconscious has come up with. They come straight from inside my own head, unfiltered, authentic. And they’re not … read more The same, but moreso
Alone again, part 2
Dec. 19 – I was alone again this afternoon. Ann left for New York, and Tom had wrap-up work to do at the condo before vacation could really begin for him. I didn’t have much energy to do anything. I laid on the couch, sobbing. Now that I’ve had company, I realize that being alone … read more Alone again, part 2
Hallelujah!
Dec. 18: I struggled with the scissors. Moving them slowly back and forth across the green construction paper, I came up with a shape that lacked an identity. It resembled a fir tree only because I used pinking shears to give it a jagged edge. Then I tried to cut small circles out of red construction … read more Hallelujah!
What else is wrong
I apologized to Ann for talking her ear off. “Oh, no, it’s fine – I’m just glad to see you awake, and not crying,” she said. That’s about right. I don’t have a big repertoire in terms of socializing these days. In addition to sleeping 9 or 10 hours at night, I take a couple … read more What else is wrong
What’s wrong
I’m so frightened. I can’t keep crying like this. What’s wrong with me? I don’t feel depressed, but I cry all the time. Am I going to revert to those horrible years in my 20s when depression left me immobilized? I had told a close friend about this fear, and she shared my email with … read more What’s wrong
Small bites
Dec. 15: Even eating an apple has changed. I have a big mouth. I used to be able to bite into an apple and take out a quarter of it in one go. Now, I can’t get my mouth open wide enough to do anything but scrape the skin a little. My jaw doesn’t work … read more Small bites
The interrogation
“And how long do you cook this part?” Ann asked. I wanted to kill her. We had decided to make stirfry for dinner, to use up the tofu and veggies. Little did I realize that this would nearly drive me over the edge. My sister, who is an excellent cook, is also a by-the-recipe cook. … read more The interrogation
Being the baby again
I’ve been able to escape many of my work responsibilities during recovery, but today I had to check and finalize a form for the grant’s next installment. It was painfully difficult. The accountant had made some calculations that I knew weren’t correct. I went over and over the numbers to make sure I had done everything right. Then … read more Being the baby again
Alone again
Today I was entirely alone for the first time in four weeks. No nurses and doctors, no Tom, no caregiver except for my orange plastic bottles of prescription drugs. I slept a lot. I felt more relaxed than I have in a month. It is yet another dimension of realization about how much I take … read more Alone again